history seems to repeat itself. welcome to hell, we’ve missed you while you were gone. i’m not afraid to tell you how it is. here’s my gun, there’s her ghost.

i guess i made this blog to be honest, which is why very few people will even see this, but god. i’ve been keeping things in for so goddamn long and it’s gotten rough. things have changed and i’m powerless to change them back to the way they were. i feel so isolated and unimportant. there are so many things about people that grate on my nerves and i hate it, because i can’t afford to be picky when i have so little. i guess i’ve just reached a point where i feel expendable, like i’m just an accessory that can be shed and discarded at any time. maybe i just want people to pay attention to me and acknowledge me every now and again instead of always being the one to have to make the effort. i want to feel like i’m worth something to someone, but anymore, that’s the last thing i feel. all of this negativity has gotten me down and i can barely stand it, but there isn’t much i can do about it. i guess it’s just made me apprehensive about doing things because what if they go wrong and i can’t tinker with and fix them? i guess i can’t help but want someone to just talk to me, to tell me the things i need to hear instead of having to lie to myself all of the time.

everyone that’s supposed to be my friend is somehow finding their way to my shitlist. people are just really pissing me off lately.

i’m going to give myself a big shove off from the docks of social relationships for the next couple of days. i’m going to convince myself that it’ll be good for me, that it’ll be better than this. maybe i’ll see who notices.

i don’t know why i do this to myself, or even bother putting it down. it’s not like anyone reads it, and more so than that, it’s not like anyone cares. i think maybe i’m just scared. hell, i’m always scared, but this is different. i’m always so worried about what people think of me, but i invest too much in fretting over it that i change myself to better suit them. i’m so tired of everyone expecting me to cater to them but when i need something, when someone promises me something, i never get what i think i’m supposed to receive. i’m so tired of everyone not giving a damn about me. i know that sounds genuinely pathetic and like i shouldn’t be saying it, but it’s true. no one can ever keep plans with me to save their fucking lives and what’s more is that they don’t care. people don’t ever stop to think about how it makes someone else feel when they go back on their word and don’t follow through. i don’t know why i’m back to feeling so sensitive and miserable all of the time but i think i’m going to throw in the towel and stop caring. from now on, i’ll stray from this routine as much as possible and instead hole myself up in my room with nothing else better to do. i’ve turned into this apathetic monster and i hate it, but you know what? anything else i’ve tried has never worked. i wish i could be more likable, i wish that i could make people want to be my friend. instead, i’ll just close myself off that way i no longer have to feel the sting of rejection.

i’ve always known that i’ve had a way with words, a gift, if you will. it’s been with me since i was younger and i’ve carried it on my back, holding it close throughout my life. sometimes i get overly paranoid that i overreact about certain situations. i feel like i make things a bigger deal than they really are, but to me, they are a big deal. i feel like, as a brilliant mastermind once put it, that i’m not really as sad as i let myself believe. i make it a lot bigger than it is, but there is truly no way, no word to describe the sadness that sometimes takes hold. i wish it wasn’t like this, of course, but we have to work for the things we truly want, i suppose.

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there are days like today when i just can’t take it. i feel so alone, i get so angry, and i tire so easily of every single time something goes wrong. i sacrifice so much and no one sees it that way. no one gets that i give up so much and for what? to be fucked over. i’m so tired of laying it all out just to watch the rest of the world set fire to it. i am so ridiculously tired of being crushed, trampled on, and run over when nine times out of ten, people aren’t even aware they’re doing it. maybe that’s what makes it hurt even more or maybe i just contrive all of these feelings because i have nothing else better to do. when it comes down to it, i’m alone, and probably always will be. nothing will ever actually go my way and everything will continue to fall apart. sounds like a whole lot worth living for.

when you really want to vent but you cant without upsetting someone